What Christmas Means to Me...

This year I have thoroughly enjoyed putting up my imperfect but beloved Christmas decorations, buying and wrapping gifts, reading and watching Christmas stories with the boys via book or tv, and most of all soaking in what the birth of our Savior means to me... My tree... a few years back I decided I wanted to have a beautiful, perfect tree that was color coordinated with my home decor... Well, I went out shopping the clearance sales after Christmas and got all I needed for that perfect tree.. I set it up the following year and found that, well... while it was beautiful and perfect appearing on the outside, when I looked at it I didn't feel the excitement I thought I would. Rather, I felt sad and empty... Sad that I had denied my boys the opportunity to put up their handmade ornaments and those they had received over the years at ornament exchanges on the main family tree.. I had told them those would be perfect on our "playroom tree." I had put aside the boxes of family ornaments that each had a story behind them, maybe it was about the person who gave them to us, or the year we received them... but each had a story... Now they didn't all necessarily look as if they should belong on the same tree together, lots of different materials, shapes, many worn and tattered...Yet last year I decided that they were going to all be back together on the same tree, our main family tree in the living room... That was a beautiful Christmas... I so enjoyed having my boys place the ornaments anywhere they felt appropriate, as we played Christmas music, drank hot chocolate, and memories flooded my mind as to Christmases when I was a child... They were perfect, mom always made thumbprint cookies with icing, we played Christmas music and we all got to put our special ornaments wherever we thought they looked best... it was quite possibly one of my favorite Christmas memories. So this year, as I reflect on that, I look at my tree and see a masterpiece! It may not be to anyone else's eyes, but I love the ornaments, the ones who gave them to us, and the stories they tell... And I love that though some are getting tattered and worn, they are oh so beautiful when the lights hit them and it shines right though them! The lights, how I LOVE the lights... I could gaze at our lit up Christmas tree all evening... I think about the irony of how this Christmas tree is so much like our lives... at least mine... Don't know about you but for me right now my life if full of many stories... Many good and great stories of blessings the Lord has given me, yet there are also the stories of brokenness, hurt, pain, unexpected and life altering circumstances, broken and scarred family relationships.. These symbolize those ornaments that don't look so pretty alone... Yet as they are all placed on the tree exactly how and where the Lord allows them to be, IF WE ALLOW HIS LIGHT TO SHINE all around and through them, it somehow can shine through the darkness!!! And one day, maybe not now, maybe not yet for you, as it has been a process for me, I believe that we will look on our lives as I have learned to look at my beautiful Christmas tree. It is a tree that tells so many stories-some are perfect and fairy tale like, some are not so pretty and some are heartbreaking. Yet,if He is our Lord and King, He is able to shine through and around even the most painful circumstances stories. As each worn ornament has such character, so is He producing character in each of us if we cling to Him (the LIGHT) through our trials. His desire is for us to look more like HIM,and reflect his light. This can come in many different shapes and forms. For me that has meant to give up more of what I once thought was so important, that I might find and dwell on the things of eternal value. And He alone is truly beautiful and worth it, and the one constant, that will never change. ("The grass withers and the flower fades, but the word of the Lord endures forever "Isaiah 40:8). So this Christmas, I think of my friends who have many sad stories to tell-whether watching a sick child suffer, missing loved ones who have passed,missing relationships that seem to have changed forever, yearning for Christmas as it once was, or for anyone who wishes things could only be the way they used to be,battling illnesses or living daily with chronic pain or depression... No these stories are not pretty, no they are not fun at all to go through... But,when we have the light to guide us, to shine through and around us, to focus on to give us hope... I truly believe that one day,some how if not already the Lord will shine through these circumstances. My story of pain is in no way shape or form as heartbreaking as many of yours...I do not at all take lightly the depths of pain some of you have experienced or are walking through... Yet what I have been through has been life altering for me especially because I can no longer physically do the things I loved to do... It has been physically and emotionally challenging...Although my pain has been different and is minimal compared to what many of you go through, I want to tell you I have seen God shine through to me when I truly felt hopeless and in despair...This is why I share my story any chance I can... It is my hope you will see and experience the hope He offers whatever you may walk through... For those of you who don't know, I have struggled with chronic pain for years now.. 14 years of endometriosis/pelvic pain, 10 years with neck pain, and 3 1/2 with back and leg pain...The last 3 1/2 have been the toughest and the ones that have greatly interfered with life as I knew it... Not long ago I ran into a friend who I had known at the gym in my former "workout queen" days... She also has had life greatly altered by pain in the past few years... She was a dancer and practiced pilates for years and has had to give up both, as well as living with daily pain... Funny because we bump into each other frequently, and I don't believe it's by accident. I truly believe the Lord causes our paths to cross... We have very similar symptoms and will always begin by sharing how we are doing, newest remedies tried, any thing we feel is helping and may be something the other may want to consider... Then we move to the emotional part... The "I feel I can't take anymore part..." This is where I let the Lord take over and share how HE KEEPS ME GOING... HE IS MY LIGHT... I know that as of yet He has not been able to shine through her circumstances in as much as she has told me she just can't have that attitude yet...It's ok, I could not either for a while. BUT, I keep His light coming, I share scriptures, I pray for her, and I pray that one day she can allow that light to shine through the tattered and worn stories in her life...and trust that He is in control.She said that for me I have children and that must make it easier to keep going and have hope. I told her that helps but the Lord must be our focus. He is the only one who understands and will never leave us nor forsake us. He walked these roads ahead of us. That's why Christmas is so special to me.. it offers hope from THE ONLY GOD who came as a baby to walk these roads of suffering and pain, to a much greater extent than any of us have suffered or will suffer on this earth, so that we know HE UNDERSTANDS and loves us. I don't know about you, but those I find most comfort in talking to about my problems are those who have actually experienced them... Now, my mom and Jay and best friends are wonderful and love me and will do their best to comfort me, but they simply cannot understand exactly how I feel... Guess who can... HE CAN, HE DOES, HE WANTS YOU TO TRUST HIM. He is the best Christmas gift ever and if you don't know him PERSONALLY, as your best friend, as your ALL IN ALL, as your ONE YOU GO TO, as your LORD AND SAVIOR... Let him be your one and only, let him shine His light through all your stories... it's why He came... to give us hope, to offer something more than anything or one in this world can... life everlasting... eternal... where there will be no death, no pain, no suffering, we will be made new, so THAT is how I keep going in the face of suffering and how you can too...It does not make it easy, it does not mean I don't break, it just means that I have someone holding me up, walking with me, carrying me when I'm too tired to walk...listening to my prayers of tears when I can't even find the words... His name is Jesus. I'm looking quite forward to my brand new pain free life... and spending eternity with Him one day. How can I look beyond the here and now pain and still have hope she asks? First to have his hope, you have to have Him as your Savior... Ask him and let Him be your Savior. Believe that He died on the cross for our sins. Our sins deserve punishment and would bring death, were it not for His sacrifice. (Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God." and Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death; but the GIFT OF GOD is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord). But know that your acceptance of His payment on the cross is the only way your sins can be forgiven. He has given the gift, it's up to you to tell him you accept it. (Romans 1:9 If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.) And then he ROSE, He is a LIVING GOD who wants to live with you, "Immanuel"=God with us...we don't have to do this crazy life alone...Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present, not the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Then know this life is not it, it's not all there is...know that this is a tiny sliver of what is to come if we know Him and believe we will one day have eternal life with Him... Then live for that.. to share His hope with others...we all so need Him. What do you mean by a personal relationship with a God you cannot see? Here's how you can get to know Him more... get in His word, pray daily,throughout your day... talk to Him about your struggles, Pour out your heart... It's ok if you're angry and bitter,I have been too... just tell Him... Just let Him be there for you and He will...I always think a great place to get started in the word when you are struggling is the Psalms. It will not take long when you are doing these things to understand exactly what I mean... God will reveal his heart to you...Lastly, memorize scripture! You never know when you may be presented an opportunity to encourage someone who needs it... Time and time again I have been encouraged by a dear friend texting or emailing or quoting me scripture... It is such a powerful tool... Not long ago the Lord laid it on my heart to memorize this passage... I was able to share this scripture with my friend that morning that has so encouraged me many of mornings... 1 Corinthians 4:16-18 "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary struggles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal." This verse speaks to her as it does me...We hug, we cry, she says please keep praying for me and I ask the same of her for me... We laugh and say we will bump into each other again soon, and I hope we will... Merry Christmas to all of you and it's my hope that if you don't know Him personally as your Savior, you will accept the best and most meaningful gift ever given, right now... He is THE LIGHT...Will you let Him be yours and will you let his love SHINE through your stories? So many verses are found in God's Word about the light... here are a just a handful...and just a few of the reasons I love Him... Psalm 36:9 "For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light." Psalm 47:3 "Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you live." Psalm 89:15 "Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, O Lord." Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." Psalm 119:130 "The unfolding of your words gives light, it gives understanding to the simple." Luke 11:33-35 "No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light. Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are good, your whole body is full of light. But when they are bad, your body also is full of darkness. See to it then that the light within you is not darkness." Romans 13:12 "The night is almost over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light." Matthew 5:13-16 "You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father which is in Heaven."

So long since I've written... The days go by so fast and the boys say the cutest things and I have GOT to start blogging more!!! I want to look back and remember the little things and smile... and cry I''m sure... So here are just a few of my favorites as of late... Gabe has named me "long take time..." He said this to me one morning as he was requesting his breakfast in a rather demanding tone... I said to him, "who do you think I am? Your servant?" He said "no mommy, you are "long take time" because you take a long time to do everything! What a sense of humor he has... and that is so true by the way :) We have a neighbor JD who has just moved away... The boys are so sad... JD was like part of the family... We would come home and find his bike in the driveway and him awaiting us either in the backyard or actually one day in our garage... He knew where his favorite snack crackers were in the pantry and always helped himself.. I loved that... I told him he was like one of ours... Needless to say the boys were heartbroken about him moving... Gabe said to me he was my best friend the "same old." Sweet baby.. I can't even correct him he's so cute... Probably my favorite story however about JD's leaving is what Jayce told me early Friday morning...Jayce came downstairs teary eyed... It was a night I had not slept well and was up early Jayce said to me "momma I could not sleep last night because I was so sad about JD moving.. He said he had cried all night and early morning... He then told me that he and Gabe had PRAYED TOGETHER about this... This momma started shedding tears... I have told my boys often about the verse Matthew 18:20 "where two or three are gathered in my name, there will I be in the midst of them..." before asking them to join me in praying for someone else... I didn't know they were listening or cared.. THEY WERE LISTENING AND CARED!!! On those days that I feel like it's going in one ear and out the other... something very important has gone in and stayed in the heart...the something that I want them to remember for ever and always, when I am long gone..Bring your problems to Jesus... bring Him everything... it is all important to him, never to big or small... He will be there when no one else can or will be...

It's the Small Stuff from a Great God

So, I just wanted to take a few minutes to jot down the thankful feelings running through my head.... God is GOOD, he is SO GOOD!!! I went into the summer unsure of just how I would physically make it through having my boys full time... With back pain and nerve pain/sciatica running down one leg at almost all times it seemed like it was going to be a pretty challenging summer with 2 super active little boys... I asked the Lord to please strengthen me for the task and help me not only get through it but ENJOY it... I claimed a verse for myself early on this summer... Romans 15:13 "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing (another NIV says as you TRUST IN HIM), that you may ABOUND (overflow) in hope by the power of the holy spirit." I came across it and said Lord, that is what I want to have your JOY and PEACE at all times... regardless of circumstances... because I have seen firsthand how quickly they can change and how little control I really have over any of it... I also thought Lord, Christyn (human, selfish) in my own strength cannot overflow with joy when it hurts to get out of bed and walk to make my coffee to help me face the day... but this verse told me something different...I CAN, by the power of the Holy Spirit... So I claimed it right then. I have prayed it many of days and especially on the rough days... and it's amazing how the Lord wants to fill us with his joy and peace if we will only claim it... no matter WHAT trials we face... So, oh my, how God answered my every prayer... He totally not only gave me strength and many good days in between the hard ones... but I LOVED this summer... I loved lazy mornings with the boys instead of rushing to the gym first thing as I once did... I loved doing my stretches on the living room floor while they bounced the ball and themselves around me and we chatted endlessly.. I loved how they were so patient to allow me to do my little stretching routine before I was able to get moving... I loved our long days at the pool together and trying lots of new recipes with them at my side... I loved watching my boys play ball with Jay so many nights. I slowed down and soaked them in, oh how thankful I am to a God who enabled me to do this... And amidst having some rough days, overall I am doing so much better physically. Here are the small things I praise God for that I've been able to do in the last month or so... -SIT and cuddle on the couch with my boys rather than needing to lay down while they cuddle with Jay at night... -SIT through jenga games pain free with each of them, rather than laying down or sitting through the pain.. -REACH and PAINT my toe nails without pure torture... -WEAR flat, non supportive CUTE shoes with my skinny jeans rather than my bulky super not so stylish rainbows... SUPER YAY!!! -DRIVE on 2 road trips, riding alone used to be hard but I could recline... driving was a different story... but I drove to and from COLA and HILTON HEAD ALONE with minimal pain, praise GOD for that... -Spent 4 days ALONE with my boys at the beach and had the most wonderful time, never would have thought it would be possible for me at the beginning of the summer... Have been able to walk several times a week on my treadmill 20-30 minutes... once that was NOTHING to me, but now it is SUCH an awesome workout for me :) I was told this may be the way things would be forever, sought so many opinions, to no avail... I finally came to a point at the end of the road and gave this battle to the Lord. I also had to learn and did learn, that regardless of the outcome, HE IS GOOD... and He would provide... He was giving me the best thing possible for my life at the time, and He alone knows what I need most, so I trust HIM. And I have to say that from that point on, things have only gotten better... He is SO GOOD... He wants us to trust HIM and HIM ALONE. Anyhow, THANK YOU LORD for the small stuff! I am so thankful for the healing you've given me and trust you for more to come! Romans 8:18 "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing to the glory that is going to be revealed to us. For the creation eagerly awaits with anticipation God's sons to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to futility (that means a sense of no purpose, or lack of usefulness, which I definitely have experienced in the past 2 years) and not willingly-but because of HIM who subjected it in the HOPE that the creation itself will also be SET FREE from the bondage of corruption into the glorious FREEDOM of God's children... One more verse I came across that made me say, WOW... this is the story of this experience... Pre pain-I was in bondage of feeling I wanted to look/be physically a certain way, an issue I had struggled with for years...It overtook me and though I loved the Lord, I could not serve Him or be the light for HIM that I should be when I was always focused and worried about myself. I am FREED of this, I can now use my energy to focus on what's most important, MY GOD, and my family and sharing as much with others as I can about the one and only TRUE God!

Easter 2012

Better late than never! Here are some pics from Easter at Nanny and Grandaddy's... My boys were SO handsome this year if I do say so myself!

Letter from Jayce's 7th Bday -3/31/12

Wow, I JUST realized how behind I really am... I had typed this bday letter to Jayce on his bday (good for me), but never got it onto the blog... so here it is and maybe one day I can catch up on my pics too :) March 31,

2012 Dear Jayce, You are seven today, and I CANNOT believe it! I know I say this every year, but I can remember you being born just as if it were yesterday… Wow, how God has blessed us with you. You are a natural born leader Jayce. You love to “lead” the other kids playing in the backyard, as I hear you so often say “Come on guys, let’s do this/that…” You have inherited this from your daddy! I pray every day that the Lord will use this skill in your life to glorify Him. One day you could do much for Him with this, if you are obedient . You are a tough little guy when it comes to the boys, but you have a very tender side to you. You love your mommy and in fact, 2 days ago, on your knees with the plush rose you picked out for me from Target a year ago, asked me to marry you. It was the sweetest thing ever! Also, while playing in the yard yesterday, you made me a cross with 2 limbs and a piece of tape and brought it to me beaming, “I have something for you momma…’I think both of these instances I cried those happy tears that I tell you mommy only cries when I’m super happy. Just recently Jayce, mommy has discovered your “love language.” There are days that we have struggled, many children do to remember who God designed to be in charge… the parents  I’ve tried many things with you to show you my love and hope you see God’s through me… and in return want to honor us as He commands. None has worked quite so well as spending simple quality time with you (no cell phone, no laundry, no distractions)… We have always spent lots of time together, but I’m talking about a daily period of undivided attention from mommy or daddy. This is a challenge with little brother around, but we have found ways to make it work and my how it does seem to make all the difference! When your needs for love are being met, you are a different child than when they’re not. Mommy is sorry that for years, I’ve missed that. But, it’s taken me a while to figure it out, and now I pray this is what continues to strengthen our relationship, as it’s a blessing to me just as much. Just this past week, we’ve had time on the back porch drinking root beer floats, spent time together eating a popsicle, went on a special date to Mellow Mushroom… Yes, all of these have involved food, as you do LOVE to eat! But the key is, special time where all my attention is on you. Your daddy just took you to a PC baseball game against Liberty where you and he had the whole day together! This seems to be what you love, and again we love these special times just as much! You are doing super in first grade and have made President’s List each 9 weeks, with all A’s! We are SO PROUD of you! You learn so quickly and are constantly teaching mommy things I did not know, or had forgotten since my school days  You are playing baseball and doing great! You hit the ball really well and are now playing catcher, which you seem to really enjoy! We love to watch you play and are SO proud of you! Jayce, a few days ago, you told me that there is a certain song you sing in school that makes you cry every time you sing it… it is “Amazing Grace.” We were singing it together and you told me that the part you cry each time is “I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see.” You asked me why, I said that I believe that Jesus is speaking to you and the Holy Spirit is working in your heart. I know the Lord is doing some amazing things in your life buddy, and how honored I am that he’s chosen me to be your mother! I pray for you each and every day, and as long as I have breath, I will continue  I love you sweet boy, and am honored the Lord chose me to have the awesome privilege to teach you about Him (Ephesians 3:14-20). Love, Mommy

Letter from Jayce's 7th Bday -3/31/12

Wow, I JUST realized how behind I really am... I had typed this bday letter to Jayce on his bday (good for me), but never got it onto the blog... so here it is and maybe one day I can catch up on my pics too :) March 31, 2012 Dear Jayce, You are seven today, and I CANNOT believe it! I know I say this every year, but I can remember you being born just as if it were yesterday… Wow, how God has blessed us with you. You are a natural born leader Jayce. You love to “lead” the other kids playing in the backyard, as I hear you so often say “Come on guys, let’s do this/that…” You have inherited this from your daddy! I pray every day that the Lord will use this skill in your life to glorify Him. One day you could do much for Him with this, if you are obedient . You are a tough little guy when it comes to the boys, but you have a very tender side to you. You love your mommy and in fact, 2 days ago, on your knees with the plush rose you picked out for me from Target a year ago, asked me to marry you. It was the sweetest thing ever! Also, while playing in the yard yesterday, you made me a cross with 2 limbs and a piece of tape and brought it to me beaming, “I have something for you momma…’I think both of these instances I cried those happy tears that I tell you mommy only cries when I’m super happy. Just recently Jayce, mommy has discovered your “love language.” There are days that we have struggled, many children do to remember who God designed to be in charge… the parents  I’ve tried many things with you to show you my love and hope you see God’s through me… and in return want to honor us as He commands. None has worked quite so well as spending simple quality time with you (no cell phone, no laundry, no distractions)… We have always spent lots of time together, but I’m talking about a daily period of undivided attention from mommy or daddy. This is a challenge with little brother around, but we have found ways to make it work and my how it does seem to make all the difference! When your needs for love are being met, you are a different child than when they’re not. Mommy is sorry that for years, I’ve missed that. But, it’s taken me a while to figure it out, and now I pray this is what continues to strengthen our relationship, as it’s a blessing to me just as much. Just this past week, we’ve had time on the back porch drinking root beer floats, spent time together eating a popsicle, went on a special date to Mellow Mushroom… Yes, all of these have involved food, as you do LOVE to eat! But the key is, special time where all my attention is on you. Your daddy just took you to a PC baseball game against Liberty where you and he had the whole day together! This seems to be what you love, and again we love these special times just as much! You are doing super in first grade and have made President’s List each 9 weeks, with all A’s! We are SO PROUD of you! You learn so quickly and are constantly teaching mommy things I did not know, or had forgotten since my school days  You are playing baseball and doing great! You hit the ball really well and are now playing catcher, which you seem to really enjoy! We love to watch you play and are SO proud of you! Jayce, a few days ago, you told me that there is a certain song you sing in school that makes you cry every time you sing it… it is “Amazing Grace.” We were singing it together and you told me that the part you cry each time is “I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see.” You asked me why, I said that I believe that Jesus is speaking to you and the Holy Spirit is working in your heart. I know the Lord is doing some amazing things in your life buddy, and how honored I am that he’s chosen me to be your mother! I pray for you each and every day, and as long as I have breath, I will continue  I love you sweet boy, and am honored the Lord chose me to have the awesome privilege to teach you about Him (Ephesians 3:14-20). Love, Mommy

Happy 5th Birthday Sweet Gabe

Really Gabe? 5? Can it be? I keep telling you to please stay just like you are forever and you just say "momma I wish I could but I have to keep growing up!" I guess you're right but I don't like it one bit! This year we had another pool party for you with your buddies and it was a blast! It was the night before your bday so on your actual bday we had a special bday dinner per your request... egg casserole and jelly toast, with ice cream for dessert... We gave you your gift which was a big boy bike... pictured here and I think it's safe to say you liked it! These are the things I love about you most right now... Your crazy hair when you wake up, your sweet smile when you see me first thing in the am, the way you call for me any time I'm not in sight (it also can sometimes get a little aggravating but deep down I love it)..., the way you stare in the mirror and make funny expressions, the way you tell me over and over how much you like something I make when you really like it, the way you raise your eyebrows up and down and up and down to make me laugh, the way you still suck your thumb and rub your ear when you're tired... btw, that is our resolution for this year of life, to say goodbye to that ole habit...The way you love Life cereal, cheese, and egg casserole... and yep folks that's about it! And of course, the way you cannot stand to be without your sidekick, Jayce... as much as you fight these days, you really do love each other... You are absolutely an entertainer, you love to be the center of attention and really love to imitate others and get a laugh from us! You love to dance and when you do your true colors show, you are DEFINITELY white! You are still my little singing boy and sing all throughout the day! I LOVE LOVE LOVE you Gabriel Taylor and cannot imagine our lives without you! I want to always remember you at this age and seriously would freeze you right here if I could! Although I look forward to seeing how you grow this year :) Mommy