God is so Good

I've actually been back and forth over whether to share this story or not... simply because I was so embarrassed that yet another near tragedy has occurred while my child was in my care... BUT, I have decided that 1- I do want to document this so that I will always remember what I've learned from it and 2- in case it might prevent anyone else from making the same mistake I did...

2 days ago, the boys and I had actually just had a rather surprisingly pleasant shopping experience at Target... I had in fact promised Jayce frozen yogurt from Brusters for being so well behaved... little did I know how delayed his reward would be... We got out to the parking lot, parked on the side at Target (for those of you who are local) and I was about to unload my groceries when Gabe started to fuss and I looked down to discover he had had quite a leak from a dirty diaper and it was all over his clothes and his car seat... So, a little flustered, and NOT THINKING... I decided that rather than putting Gabe in his seat before unloading the bags as I usually do, I had better get him changed... And, knowing that my tailgate was full already, I had better move some things around before laying him down back there to change him... So, here is where things went wrong...Rather than picking up the carrier and moving it with me to the back of the car, I took a shortcut and I decided to leave Gabe in his carrier in the cart- he was in that front part at the front of my car while I ran back to shift things around, thinking Jayce was right behind me... this all happened like in 15 seconds... I look up to see Jayce is not there with me, he is on the side of the car and the cart is rolling... it was up on the curb... I RAN to try to grab it and saw it roll off the curb, onto the pavement and tried my hardest to grab the carrier but could not reach it, so I watched Gabe fly through the air in his carrier and hit the parking lot HARD... For those of you who do not know, this is Gabe's 3rd fall where he hit the ground hard... I was so afraid he was not going to be ok this time, this was the worst by far... he did not lose consciousness but screamed for about 20 minutes... non stop... this actually worried me b/c the times before he cried a few minutes and then would settle down... this time, not... his pupils were the same size but SO tiny, I know it was bright outside, but no one else's pupils were NEARLY as small... this was worrying me... a sweet lady in the parking lot watched it all and ran over to help me... she phoned Jay at work and we waited for him to get there b/c I was afraid if I drove, Gabe would fall asleep in his seat and I wanted to keep him awake... and it was past nap time for him... So eventually when Jay got there we took him to urgent care where he finally settled down and pupils were back to normal... he had a huge bump on his head but the dr. said this was not reason to be concerned... she felt like he was acting like he was ok by this point and felt that he was but wanted to do a cat scan just to check for fractures... I had to get him to be completely still and nursed him to sleep 3 different times before he would actually stay asleep on the machine... The results were good and they did not see anything concerning... Praise be to God for this, as it truly is a miracle that Gabe is ok after that fall... it was so bad...
I do not actually know whether the cart was rolling because of the wind, or Jayce pushing it... he likes to push a cart and he says he did it... it does not actually matter... I was the one who left him in that situation even if that is the case...

Anyhow,
Gabe is Gabe and has been his sweet self ever since... I however will never be the same... As I've done in every other incident, I replayed the scene again and again in my head over and over.. asking WHY I left that cart and how could I be so stupid? And, thinking that if it had been worse, I just can't imagine how I would go on...
My mom is always the one I call in situations like this... you know you have that friend who always knows what to say... and always makes you feel better... well, for me that is my mom... Mom said that first of all, this could have happen to many mothers and that as children, my brothers and I all had things like this happen to us... When I told her how horrible I felt and that I felt like Jay was so upset with me... she said, if the worst thing that happened today is a bump on the head and a husband who is a little disgruntled... well, that's pretty good honey, and so much better than it could have been... SO TRUE...and she said that there is no point dwelling on the what ifs, but to rather allow God to turn this bad situation into something good...

After 2 days of balling hysterically and basically being a "basket case" (quote from Jay), I have decided to move on and forgive myself... here is what I have taken and learned from this... (aside from the obvious of never leaving a baby unattended in a shopping cart)
1) God is SO GOOD and always there...
2) it is so important to daily pray for protection for my children and thank God for their safety
3) I am so thankful for life and health and a God who is in control, even when I am not
4) MOST OF ALL, I realize how much I love and appreciate Jay, Jayce, and Gabe and ALL my loved ones and do not ever want to take them for granted again
5) my endometriosis and my sleep deprivation are not so bad in light of this incident

One last thing that I want to remember from this... in doing my quiet time the morning after... being up since 2:30 am replaying this in my head... I NEEDED to hear from God that morning... I usually have a Bible reading plan and read pretty consecutively in a certain part of the Bible... but that morning, I just happened to open my Bible to this verse...

Lamentations 3:22-23
It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed because his compassions fail not.
They are new every morning, GREAT is thy faithfulness.

This hit home... absolutely what I needed to give me strength yesterday... I was absolutely consumed by the if only's and torturing myself over why I had been so thoughtless... but this passage reminded me that because of his mercy and his faithfulness, and because HE can forgive me, I too can forgive myself.

Thanks God for being so good to me.

ps Jayce did get his yogurt and then fell asleep on the way home... can't say I blame him!